Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Higher Education

There have been many periods of difficulty in my life where I was required to undergo extended trials, or a series of challenges. As these trials drew towards easier times I often thought that I had seen the worst and that I deserved not to have to go through it again. I used to think that having endured such, I was exempt from having to experience anything so difficult again.

Sometime during the past few years I discovered a sneaking suspicion that I'm not likely to get away with less trials in the future because of what I have endured in my youth. Trials can help us grow, if we let them, and I prefer to let them because I found they end faster if I try to learn their lesson. Lessons generally lead to more lessons. Line upon line: Where the Wild Things Are comes before Pride and Prejudice. Precept on precept: mastering algebra prepares us for calculus. Surely abstract lessons such as gaining patience and faith, developing time management skills, or accepting humility qualify us to receive a higher (and more difficult) level of lessons in the future. I don't particularly like to think about it. But I know that once the lessons (and the accompanying trials) are over I will be a better, deeper, wiser person and that seems pretty cool to me.

Counting Calories

As if I need to diet!

Towards the end of September I discovered that I weighed less than 100 lbs. Before then I didn't really think that I would ever go under 102. But when I stepped on the scale and saw the double digits blink at me, I realized I had better take some drastic action.

Eating is not an easy thing for me. Anorexia and Bulimia have nothing to do with it, I just don't eat very much very often. (Although sometimes I will eat humongous amounts - I think it is my body rebounding from the anti-food phase it goes through regularly)

One night, having given up on sleep after over an hour of wide-awakefulness, I found a program on my phone which has been very helpful (at least in motivating me to eat). It is called Diet Tiny Assist. It is a basic meal and excersize journal. I discovered that as I keep track of the food I eat and the physical activity I do throughout the day, the program will tell me how many calories I've eaten, and how many more I need to eat to break even with what I'm expending. It also has a Goal option where I can put in a weight goal (so that I know how many extra calories I need to eat to get into my 'ideal weight range.'

Basically, I should be eating 2000 calories a day. That's a lot! I ate just over 2000 calories yesterday (I don't know the last time that happened!) It was a lot of work ... and I cheated; I ate some sugar cookies and drank some peppermint tea with heavy cream in it. I can't do that every day. This is going to take a lot of practice.

Monday, October 02, 2006

Good Books

This is not an inclusive list. This is an accounting of my goal to read good books (Which by my definition does not usually include fantasy and children's books because it is not a challenge for me to finish them. This does not mean they are not good books, it just means that good books are harder for me to eat than my ice cream and apple pie books)

by Herman Hess
(Thanks Nick)

The Once and Future King
by T.H. White
(Thanks Michael)

The Chronicles of Prydain
by Lloyd Alexander
The High King still needs to be read.
(Thanks Darren and Michael)

There Will Be Time
by Poul Anderson
(Thanks Alex)

Ender's Game and Ender's War
by Orson Scott Card

Billions and Billions
by Carl Sagan

turn and fall

Autumn has come. The leaves turn and fall. Some of them crunch delightfully. It is a good time to walk. To enjoy the crisp dry change in the air.

My car is gone.

My car is gone.
Not where I left it.
How do you misplace something that heavy?

I liked my car,
it was me.

This one is nice.
This one is borrowed.
This one is not me.

The police called,
they found my car.
It has dents and dings
they said.
and the radio is gone.

Does it work?
Who knows.
It's the weekend
The towing place is closed
The insurance company is closed
Can I drive my own car yet?
Can I have that part of me back?
Do I have to wait?

Will it take long?
I don't need a perfect car;
even though its been violated
its my car.
I want to make the space mine again.

Sunday, October 01, 2006

The words we use.

Sometimes the words we use to define a relationship or an event do not truly reflect the character of that relationship or event. Usually, for lack of a more precise and generally accepted word, we settle for the vernacular.

Break up. Maybe some people really do break up, but it seems to me that what our society recognizes as breaking up - or ending a relationship - is sometimes more of a letting go. You let go of the way things are, you let go of hopes, of plans, and you let go of memories. You let go of each other.

Sometimes one person wants to be let go or let the other go. Sometimes both need to let go. Sometimes neither want it.

How often do neither want it, yet are strong enough to do it?

Author Richard Back said "If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were." It is a very painful thing to realize that someone you love was never yours to have.

What if you were never theirs to have either?

If you let each other go and you love each other, is it really a break up?