Saturday, May 31, 2008


Many of mis companeras had to remind me to breathe quite often. Breitsmile told me that asthma could kill me and took me to see a doctor. I learned that it didn't have to be so hard. I took so many medications. I tried to get off of them after I left the city. But I was recently reminded that if I'm not careful, asthma can kill me. Once again I am taking many medications. And somehow it is not enough. It is so strange that something Involuntary - like breathing - should take so much concentration!

I look forward to the Resurrection.

Afterthought: The new albuterol inhalers are not as effective as they used to be. This is troubling when I submit to the necessity of using them.

I jumped ship.

I jumped from a sinking ship in hopes of finding one more my style. I am relieved, but also worried that I've done something rash. I thought and prayed about it. I talked to my mom and my darren.

I thought the transition would take longer. But I didn't expect the ship to sink so fast and I knew I had to get off it before I was asked to walk the plank.

This new ship should be much more manageable.

Friday, May 23, 2008

Many Small Decisions

I have come to realize that the decision to get married is not ONE BIG decision, it is many small decisions made over time.

I decided to go out with him when he asked me on a date two years ago.
I decided I wanted to know more about him when we were dating casually.
I decided I wanted to let him hold my hand, and later, to kiss me.
I decided to tell him I loved him.
I decided he was a righteous and worthy young man,
even when I thought there would never be a future for us together.

I decided to let him broach the subject of dating each other again.
I decided to let him take me on a date again.
I decided to let my love for him grow again.
I decided to let him kiss me again (and to kiss him in return).
I decided to work towards marriage instead of giving into my fears.
I decided to have faith - sometimes every few minutes.
I decided to say yes and to accept the ring.
I am still deciding every day that this is what I want.

To marry someone who can support me emotionally, physically, financially, spiritually, and to want to support him as much as I can in return. Perhaps I was never ready before now for the feelings I've been having: a sweet gentle assurance that this is good.